This entire experience has left many paradoxical thoughts in my head. On one hand, I'm very blessed that our little boy is still inside warm and cozy- 6 weeks later. On the other, I am still suffering from this "lay and do nothing" regimen I must stick to.
I will admit- I have had many up and down days. My "down days" tend to consist of crying and feeling sorry for myself and then watching a sappy romantic comedy while enjoying chocolates or cake. Pathetic? Slightly, but whatever it takes to get me through those tough days and move forward.
Would I enjoy a shopping spree at Babie's "R" Us instead of babiesrus.COM? Sure.
Would I like to go for a nice jog or stroll around the block? Probably.
Could I see myself preparing the baby's room and "nesting" around the house? Absolutely.
But for now, all I see is the reflection of my face against this computer screen, the TV actors and reality stars taunting me with their fun and exciting adventures, and the sound of my phone startling my dog every time someone texts or calls.
Part of my feels like I'm slightly being robbed of my latter pregnancy weeks, when everyone notices you're pregnant and are finally not afraid to ask. I'd like to be out taking pictures of my baby bump, showing it off and being stopped by strangers wondering 'how far along I am' or 'when am I due.' Sometimes it's hard not to think that I'm missing out on some of the 'joys' of pregnancy, all while facing most of the 'hardships' head on.
Now, it may seem like I am drowning in my own sorrows, and this is an utterly poignant display of my emotions, but I DO see the light at the end of the tunnel. I DO know the benefits of what I am doing. I'm just saying... it's not easy.
On the other hand- on my "up days" I realize how BLESSED I truly am to have the support from family and friends that I do. Sometimes I feel like a princess being waited on hand and foot. That I'm just living this 'fantastical' dream where all I have to do is get through the day to be allowed to see my Prince Charming. And when reality weasels it's way back... I think- I'm not the only one who is dealing with this whole bed rest process. My husband has to endure most of the household chores and he's gotten really good at making grilled turkey sandwiches. I have truly seen his strength, support and dedication for his little family, and I could not have gotten this far without his optimistic jokes, smiles and raps about our son.
Just when I think I am going to lose it and have a break down, I think of how blessed I...we...Ryder and I...really are. I snap back to reality, put the tissues and chocolates away, and wait for the love of my life to come home from his exhausting job. When I see his face, I remember what he and I are both doing this for: our little man.
This will definitely be my favorite and habitual bedtime story to tell Ryder when he gets here.
